Take turkey out of fridge. Watch children grimace at dead turkey, accuse you of heartlessness, run away.
Note that Child Two seems to be particularly volatile today. Oh good, think to self. Just what we needed.
Find Child Two screaming over some purported unfairness. Save day with craft project for her: making nameplates for the table.
Congratulate self on excellent parenting as Child Two settles down happily with paper and markers and scissors and a list of names of those attending.
Set table. Child Two throws wobbler over seating arrangement, demands to seat people where she wants, against all sensible logic.
Child One arrives, puts in oar, demands further different seating arrangement. Says he won’t sit at table where dead turkey is present anyway.
Threaten to cancel dinner altogether. Children rejoice. Take it back. Children unite in discord but are still fighting. Go and say mean things about them on Twitter.
Ignore screams, consider vegetables. Swear you’ll never cook a turkey again. Contemplate running away and joining the circus before next November.
Cover turkey in bacon. Put turkey in oven. Be pretty confident that this is a good move.
Ask Child One if he’d like to help you peel vegetables. To your surprise, he says yes. Congratulate self on excellent parenting as child one helps you peel potatoes. Child two has decided that a session of Minecraft will resolve all seating-plan problems.
Convince Child Two to help you peel carrots and top and tail green beans. Experience smushy glowy feeling of nostalgia.
Make stuffing. Discover at point of no return that these are the wrong sort of breadcrumbs. Stuffing is ruined. Abandon stuffing. Go put on some dangly earrings.
Put clean towel in downstairs bathroom.
Salvage stuffing with different recipe. Congratulate self on superior culinary skills.
Take turkey out of oven, done an hour ahead of schedule. Cover with foil. Make gravy, roast potatoes, cook vegetables, welcome guests. Open wine. Ignore children.
Give thanks. Look into Thanksgiving weekend breaks for next year.