Dear potential employer,
My absence from the paid workforce for the past years has given me valuable experience and enabled me to develop skills and abilities that will make me an asset to your team. Please consider the following in lieu of things that I might otherwise have done in an actual office during that time period.
Produced miniature human out of own body twice with limited outside aid.
Seven years’ experience feeding children from appendages of own body. Job requirements: tenacity, patience, high pain tolerance, high boredom threshold.
Almost ten years’ experience as mother, stay-at-home parent, mom, Mooooom, Mummy!, food source, youth fashion buyer, household organizer, holiday booker, human pacifier, maker of rod for own back.
Kept appointment diary for CEOs and ensured that they attended all required events (doctor, dentist, family Christmas, nursery school open day) as scheduled.
Provided hugs, kisses, and band-aids on a daily basis, even when no visible injury present.
Invested personal resources into developing ability to say no and stick to it.
Finely tuned ability to remain open to persuasion and see multiple points of view.
Learned to tune out “noise” and focus on what’s important. (This mess and my cup of tea, respectively.)
Professional certifications and awards:
- Advanced level not giving a fuck
- Distraction and redirection, toddler level: gold star
- “Above and Beyond” award for licking a hanky and rubbing your face with it while you squirm
- Question-answering 101 and beyond, graduated with honors
- 1st place, Pretending to listen and making appropriate response noises, 2012, ’13, ’14 and ’15; has been awarded the trophy in perpetuity
- Master’s degree in Getting out of bed at 3am
I’m sure you will appreciate how many of these experiences, qualities, and qualifications will prove invaluable to me going forward in the workplace; and the others are clearly testament to my strength of character and had better have some sort of payoff in years to come, dammit.
Yours in hope,