Monthly Archives: March 2004

Turns out I’m a universalist unitarian. Who knew?

I found a fascinating web site called Beliefnet.com, where they have information and news pertaining to lots of different religions, and handy tests you can do to find out what sort of religion would suit you best. It turns out I’m mostly a universalist unitarian, closely followed by liberal quaker. Catholic was at the bottom of my list of 27 designated religions. The nuns would be shocked. (Though I was a bit disappointed because universalist unitarian sounds like such a wishy-washy thing to be. It’s like saying “I want some religion, but I don’t really want one with any, y’know, God stuff or anything.” No offence meant to any UUs. I only discovered what Unitarian was about six months ago, so I could have it all wrong.) Anyway, one of the quizzes (oh, I’m a Recovering Catholic, by the way, which seems to be their word for “lapsed, but at least you’re here”) started me thinking about the afterlife.

Instant gratification is pretty much how people live these days. We correspond by e-mail and phone rather than waiting weeks for a letter to arrive on the boat from America; we can order a pizza and have it at the door, or take it out of the freezer and cook it in the microwave rather than going out back and killing the pig or grinding the wheat; we can see what’s happening on the other side of the world right now. Patience is still a virtue, but you don’t need nearly so much of it as you used to. So nobody’s going to seriously base how they behave today on what might happen to them when they’re dead. That’s far too far away. And anyway, they’ll be dead.

And then there’s the geography. In the middle ages, it was quite reasonable for people to believe that heaven was literally beyond the stars, and hell beneath the ground. Now we know otherwise, so where does that leave heaven? On a different plane, or a parallel universe, or maybe it’s just a state of mind. If you don’t believe in different planes or parallel universes, and you think states of mind are all in the mind, then you’ve a bit of a logistical theological difficulty.

All this said, I have no doubt that when my parents die, I will pray. And I’ll take comfort from the notion of an afterlife. I won’t be able to contemplate the idea of them just ceasing to be, in any form, so I will imagine them watching over me, seeing what I do, seeing their grandchildren, hearing me prattle on. I’ll need that. But on another level, ever since my grandmother died when I was 17 I’ve recognised that the idea of heaven is much more important for the people who are left behind than for the dead person, who is, after all, not in a position to be worrying about anything any more. (If I turn out to have to eat my words when I’m dead, so be it. That’s fine with me.) Heaven is a buffer zone we use to help us mourn; the area we put them in our minds when they’re no longer alive but we don’t want to understand that they’re gone for good. It’s as if they’re on a cruise where they can’t be contacted – only better, because they can see what we’re doing, or be reunited with dead loved ones. A family reunion cruise, then.

I think I can quite reasonably believe and not believe simultaneously. I can, after all, believe up to three impossible things before breakfast.

I’m not a control freak, I just like things done right.

I fear I am a control freak. Okay, I am a control freak and everyone always knew it, but they were polite and I thought I was hiding it pretty well under a veneer of laid-backness. I’m easygoing, I can go with the flow, roll with the punches, all that happy stuff. People have complimented me on how I don’t let things upset me, how I can just get on with it and not mind too much about what other people are saying or doing. I even went so far as to describe myself as easy to please. But it’s all a Big Fat Lie.

I began to suspect as much the other week during an episode of Law and Order, where a father was on trial for kidnapping his kids with intent to terrorise them. The terrorising part was where he’d forced them (through strictness to the point of witholding love, not physical abuse) to live their lives exactly the way he wanted, down to the friends they had, the clothes they wore, the study they did, the lies they told to defend him on the witness stand. The thing was, the girls loved their dad and were heartbroken when they were returned to the custody of their mother. Yes, they had no personalities of their own and the notion of doing something that wouldn’t make Daddy happy was unimaginable to them, but they didn’t feel terrorized. They obviously had a big adjustment ahead of them.

Anyway, I watched this and realised that I want kids so I can make ‘em do things the right way. Their father might be a lost cause when it comes to remembering to wipe off countertops (say), but they’ll be malleable little things I can train up right from the start. Is this not perfectly reasonable? Oh my God, I’m going to be a terrible parent. I don’t want them to have no personality. Just so long as it’s a personality I approve of. And preferably pick out for them.

(What I think will really happen, and will be my salvation from 15-20 or pleading out for ten, is that my children will wear me down to the point where my controlling nature is stomped all over and I’ll end up jaded but really truly laid back. I’m sure that trying to maintain control-freak status and have kids at the same time would be far too much like hard work.)

Anyway, the other night my suspicions were confirmed. Himself is in the final throes of thesis writing, and has reverted to his natural timetable of working late and sleeping in. Which, I protested, was fine with me. If that’s when you work best, if your brain starts buzzing after 10pm, then you should make the most of it; go with your circadian rhythms or whatever they are. I can make dinners that improve with reheating. My mistake was doing very little on Sunday, so instead of sleeping the sleep of the righteous log that night, I was tossing and turning a bit. And with every toss I wondered why he wasn’t in bed yet, how he could possibly still be up, what the hell he was going back downstairs again for, why the feck he wasn’t more normal. And by normal, I mean “like me”, because my brain switches off at night and I have never worked later than about 11pm in my life. I finally came to the conclusion, around 5am, that I was unhappy because (apart from the fact that I should have been asleep and wasn’t) he was different and I didn’t like it because I Couldn’t Control It.

Why yes, I am a control freak. Just as well he’s almost completely perfect. We’ll have Perfect Children and it’ll all work out wonderfully.

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In defence of overcastness

I really like grey days. I’m odd that way. When the sky is a uniform nothing colour and it’s quite still and just cool enough so you can walk briskly without sweating, but the bite has gone out of the air, I’m happy with it. And there’s a fresh smell on the non-breeze, or possibly a smell of damp leaves, depending on whether it’s spring or autumn, and it gives you a boost because it’s not too warm or too cold or too wet or too bright to go and do whatever you want to do. Or maybe I just like it that way because I’m a contrary type who finds unmitigated sunshine boring after the first couple of days of novelty.

Oh yeah. Bring on Texas.

Do I have to have an opinion?

Opinions? I can do opinions. Really. (Though if you need someone for noncommittedness, or just plain apathy, I’m right here, raring to go.)

Mel Gibson’s Jesus Film (what do you mean, it has a real title?): I don’t want to see it because I don’t like gore. I couldn’t watch the last twenty minutes of Braveheart; I’m not going to pay to sit in a cinema and cover my eyes – and ears – for the whole film. Nor am I going to pay to get it out on video. Perhaps, one day when it turns up on telly I’ll watch a little bit, and switch over very quickly, but that’s it.

Kerry (the politician, not the county): Um, he’s a Democrat, right? And they’re the people who aren’t Bush? Then I’m pro-Kerry.

Rehearsal dinners: I’m not sure. Oops, that’s not an opinion, it’s a prevarication. My brother-in-law-to-be and his wife have offered to organize and host a dinner the night before the wedding, as their present to us. It’s very generous and all, and a lovely idea, but part of me wishes they’d just pick something off the list like everyone else. Several somethings, if they feel the need. Because no matter how much they say that all we’ll have to do is get dressed and show up, they don’t understand that taking my parents and elderly relatives to dinner is no mean feat. They’re basically old people, you know? There are bad legs and sensitive palates and ears that can detect the “thump-thump” of any music more modern than, say, Mozart at any volume above zero decibels. Getting them all to the wedding was as much as I could contemplate. And I was sort of looking forward to a quiet giggly night in with my bridesmaid, playing Boggle and experimenting with make-up, all clean-living and minimal (that means no pizza and wine and Pringles); a swan-song to my girlhood if you like. No doubt it won’t turn out like that either way, though.

The Oscars: Jennifer Garner’s dress was fab. Julia Roberts looks washed out with blonde hair. Diane Keaton looked like Johnny Depp at the last awards. Charlize Theron’s tan was a bad shade; the interesting thing was that her bloke was exactly the same colour. Joan Rivers is clearly on acid.

Today’s opinions brought to you by Mel Gibson, John Kerry, Bridezilla, and Oscar.