So, where was I? Yes – to recap on the lost entry, because I’m a big prat who suddenly couldn’t see the “Done!” button and decided I should click “Add an entry” instead, thus wiping everything I’d just typed…

Not pregnant. Well, no big shock there. Must try harder.

Feelings:

A) How can I not be pregnant? We’ve been having unprotected sex for a whole month. Surely I should be, like, knocked up multiple times over by now. All those occassions when I panicked because I was a few hours late with a pill, or something broke, or something got a bit too close to something else – suddenly it seems like it was a massive overreaction. (Of course, I was younger and probably massively more fertile, so panicking was the sensible course of action.) But I’m starting to think that it only happens if you don’t so much want it to. Gah.

B) Clearly, if it didn’t work the first time, it must be because it’s never going to work at all. Or certainly not the second or third time, which is all the times we have before we have to stop for the moment, due to impending possibly intercontinental move in a year’s time. More gah. I hate not being able to make things happen according to my exact wishes.

C) This waiting time is really annoying. It’s too early to start trying again, but I’m afraid that when the time comes we just won’t have enough sex because we’re old and boring and too tired and have to get up early in the morning and crap excuses like that. We’re so pathetic. (I’m not complaining about the quality-not-quantity aspect of my sex life, I’m really not. But perhaps in this instance, we need a return to our early 20s.) And then, even when we’ve done the requisite amount of the horizontal mambo, there’s only a 20% chance of it working in any given month. And that’s assuming all our various bits are in perfect working order, and who knows, really.

Overall, gah. I want the time to go on quickly, and yet I don’t, because at least now I can still be optimistic (call this optimism?) and once I’ve ovulated it’ll be fatalism all the way.

Noo. I just wrote a big entry and hit the wrong button. Gah.

Anyway. Not pregnant. There was more to it, but it’ll have to wait till the muse moves me next, because I’m not typing all that crap out again.

I very much suspect I’m not pregnant. This is disappointing, because I like things to work out exactly as I planned them. But onward to next month. I won’t actually know I’m not for another week or so, but I really don’t feel pregnant.

I was making a special effort to drink plenty of water last week. This is because you have to keep well hydrated if you’re pregnant, and I don’t usually drink very much. But I think I was secretly doing it because one symptom of early pregnancy is frequent bathroom trips (because your uterus starts pressing on your bladder). So I was going to the loo about once an hour, and I could hedge my bets as to the reason. Of course, over the weekend I didn’t keep up the water intake, and everything went back to normal. On the other hand, how could a week-old blob take up enough room to make anything start pressing on anything else at this early stage?

I keep prodding my boobs to see if they’re tender, but again, not really any more than the usual fluctuations of ouchiness – especially when I drive too fast over our particularly vicious speedbump in the golf cart, and have to surreptitiously cushion the girls with an arm. Of course, the prodding doesn’t help.

I know, I’m completely useless. (My fingers tried to type “useful” there, but that would just be wishful thinking.) I only update periodically to stop the whole thing going offline. On the other hand, would I notice?

Mostly, I was thinking that I might resurrect this when it was time for it to be a pregnancy diary. Because that’s what people do when they’re pregnant. But how cliched, how predictable, how boring of me.

Anyway, there’s an infinitessimal chance that I’m pregnant today. Or maybe a little bigger than that. (The chance, not me. Me being a little bigger than pregnant would be sudden and scary.) But ovulation took me by surprise (if it happened yesterday, which apparently it did but bits of me think otherwise) and I had an interesting lost-and-found experience with my cervix, and I’m trying to get my eight glasses of water in today without fail, just in case something in there needs it.

I’m sure this good behaviour will last all of two days at most. It’s very odd thinking that I just might be all of one day pregnant. But probably I’m not.