Monthly Archives: December 2013

Secrets

When I was about nine, hanging out with the older girls from up the road behind the house of another girl up the road, I took my first drag on a cigarette.

I choked, coughed, gave it back, and wondered why anyone would ever want to do that.

And that is my entire history of smoking. I’ve honestly never had a puff since, or wanted to. I’m pretty sure I don’t know how to inhale without burning the back of my throat off. That moment was a better deterrent than any advertising campaign or good advice from a respected adult ever could be.

The funny thing is, I didn’t even like those girls much. I don’t know what the logic was that led me to be there with them, except that they went to my school and we all “played” together, if you can call whatever pre-teen girls do when they get together playing. I think they tried to tell me about sex as well, but not in any way that made any sort of sense to me. I was happy not to think about it.

My mother didn’t like those girls much either, but she knew I habitually walked home from school with them. If she’d known about the cigarette, she might have felt the need to go and have a talk with their mother, but of course I had the sense God gave me and never mentioned a thing about it.

Maybe it could easily have gone the other way. They might have started me on a long road of addiction to tobacco, and more. I don’t think it says a lot about my strength of character in resisting peer pressure: I took the pull, after all, when it was offered. Maybe the fact that they weren’t good friends whose approval I sought made it easier for me to reject a second try.

I don’t really have a parenting takeaway from this. It’s just a story of a time when I did things my parents would be horrified by, and I still turned out okay. I think it’s good to remember these stories as our children get older, and spend more time with other kids we don’t necessarily love, whose parents we might not know very well, behind each other’s houses without direct parental supervision.

Trust them. Set them free, within limits. Let them have their own lives and their own secrets, even as children. They’ll very probably be fine. That’s all.

Booking it

I know the calendar says it’s seven days from Christmas to New Year’s, but it doesn’t feel that way. Those last few days of the year slip away in a blur of mince pies and gingerbread and brunch and late lunch and no-point-making-a-proper-dinner again today, and before you know it everyone’s posting reviews of the year about-to-be-ended and resolutions for the next and we’re all only raring to tear down the decorations and see the lovely white walls and feel clean and unsullied and eat a lot of broccoli; but first I’d better finish up these cookies and there’s all that cheesecake still to go and you may as well have a glass of wine while it’s here.

Last year, everyone annoyed me by listing the books they had read in 2012, and I was mostly annoyed because I had hardly read any, and had no record of them, and had never heard of all these books other people were reading. So, of course, I decided to keep my own list this year.

I didn’t keep it online on LibraryThing or GoodReads or even in a draft post or a Word document. I kept it in the notebook where I keep my lists, under the small notebook for shopping lists, on top of whatever other sheets of paper I happen to have shoved into that corner of the kitchen for “safekeeping.” And I kept it safe all year and even remembered to add to it as time went on.

Here it is, complete with Mabel-addendum at the bottom of the page. I read 23 books in 2013. It’s not many, but it may be more than I’ve read any year since 2006. (Dash is 7. You do the math.) Much as my in-theatre movie viewing dropped dramatically after April of that year, so did my book consumption. But there’s hope for both: I have been to the cinema three times this Christmas break. (Twice for Frozen and once for Catching Fire .)

And this is the transcript, in chronological order:

Ian McEwan: Sweet Tooth
Sara Gruen: Water for Elephants
Rumer Godden: The Greengage Summer
AM Homes: May We Be Forgiven
Emma McEvoy: The Inbetween People
Philip Pullman: The Golden Compass , The Subtle Knife , The Amber Spyglass
F Scott Fitzgerald: The Great Gatsby
Dorothy L Sayers: Strong Poison , Have His Carcass , Gaudy Night , Busman’s Honeymoon
Connie Willis: Blackout , All Clear
Marian Keyes: The Mystery of Mercy Close
Dick Francis: Flying Finish , Break In
Marian Keyes: Anybody Out There
Eoin Colfer: Artemis Fowl
Melissa Ford: Life From Scratch , Measure of Love
Susan Cooper: The Boggart

To make this more interesting (for me), I expressed my thoughts on this reading in pie charts. Because pie improves everything.

The main thing to note is how many of these books were not new to my eyes. In fact, this is a pretty high percentage of first-time reads for me; normally I retreat into authors I know and love for much more of the year. I feel I branched out this year.

The branching out was in part due to last year’s Christmas presents – some of the early books in the year featured in the pile o’ books we brought back from Dublin last January -

… and also because I am apparently at the age where people I actually know in real life have written books. I went to school with Emma McEvoy, and met Melissa Ford at BlogHer. (She writes a great blog too.)

I like teen fiction, or even tween fiction. I’m looking for things Dash might enjoy soon, or in a while, so I picked up the first two Artemis Fowl books at a sale and have just started the second. I took The Boggart out of the library when I saw it was a new(ish) Susan Cooper.

I’m not counting books I read with the children, though I have recently gone through all of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe and Prince Caspian with Mabel, as well as some book about rescue princesses. ( Charlotte’s Web didn’t stick after the first few chapters.) We’re on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory at the moment, and that’s going well. In general, I read to her at bedtime and B does Dash. I probably should have kept a record of their books this year too, because it included The Hobbit and all of Narnia , as well as The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy , quite a lot of Dahl, and two Swallows and Amazons books.

What’s the best book you read this year? I have to put the two Connie Willis volumes (which make one story) at the top. I devoured it and look forward to reading it again. Maybe next, actually …

Christmas by the mouthful

Some people think Christmas is all about the giving. Personally, I think it’s all about the free licence with food and drink. Not to overdo things, of course, but just to push the boat out a little and indulge in some foodstuffs you wouldn’t usually have in the house.

On Christmas Eve I made a cheesecake for the following day’s dessert, and cinnamon buns for the next morning’s breakfast.

I’ve never made a baked cheesecake before (the only kind, in the eyes of Americans, but an Irish cheesecake is an unbaked, chilled affair that’s like a firm mousse on top of a crumb base, often lemon flavoured. It can be delicious in its place, but I wanted the richer, slightly crumbly texture of the item we first discovered in Milano of Dawson Street, where it was billed as New York Cheesecake. (In the UK, the Milano chain has the much less enticing name of Pizza Express. It’s much nicer than that.)

I used this recipe from my friend Jennifer, because I trust her for matters great and small, from watching my kids to helping people birth their babies (she’s a doula) to creating and recommending recipes for most excellent baked goods. It was simplicity itself to whip up (especially since I own both a food processor for the base and a stand mixer for the filling) and turned out every bit as toothsome as I had hoped. I prefer the taste of a digestive-biscuit base to the graham-cracker one, but that’s probably just what I’m more accustomed to. (And also because Digestives are nicer.)

The only part that made me swear unbecomingly was lining my springform pan with parchment paper, which I only felt the need to do because the non-stick coating is peeling away in places and I don’t want to ingest any teflon with my cheesecake.

Jennifer doesn’t mention that when you remove it from the oven it will have puffed up amazingly, but it sinks back down again as it cools, because most people probably know that already. This is totally normal, as are any cracks that might develop in the centre (but I think that if I’d run my knife around the edges immediately, as she suggests, it wouldn’t have cracked so much). That went into the fridge overnight, and dessert for the next day was all taken care of.

For the cinnamon buns, I used the dough in this recipe  from Smitten Kitchen, with the variation for apple cinnamon buns that you’ll find in the notes at the end, though I didn’t include the apple. I used plain yogurt instead of buttermilk, and they came out every bit as delicious as Deb promises. I made the dough, let it rise for two hours (I was afraid at this stage that it wasn’t working, because it didn’t rise enormously; but all was well), and then made up the buns and left them in the fridge overnight for their second rise, as instructed. In the morning when we came down blearily at 7am (thank you, Mabel, for not waking at 5:30), all I had to do was turn on the oven and put them into it. We didn’t even bother with icing on top. They made an excellent start to the day, though so did presents.

Lunch was catch-as-catch-can, because I don’t see why people who are getting fancy breakfast and fancy dinner, earlier than usual, even, should have the temerity to get hungry in the middle of the day as well. If we’d had guests I might have made some sort of effort to have soup on hand to warm up at this point. As it was, leftovers from two nights previous were just fine.

And then for dinner.

I’d been thinking about beef wellington, which sounds – and looks – wonderfully impressive; but with only two of us eating (the children scorn real food) that seemed like overkill. Then the lovely Deborah of Debalicious told me that there was such a thing as an individual wellington made with a sirloin (or filet mignon) steak. And that some recipe used pate or fois gras instead of the mushroom duxelles. I was sold.

I read through several recipes and ended up using this one from Emeril, but not for much more than guidance about method and timing, really. I had read that the mushroom duxelles is all about adding flavor to a cut of meat so lean that it can be flavorless by itself. B doesn’t like mushrooms, but I decided to use a layer of caramelized onion, deglazed with vermouth, instead. I found some duck liver pate in the local supermarket, so that was my top layer, and I used frozen ready-made puff pastry to wrap up the barely seared steaks. (Next time I will remember to defrost the pastry before I need it.)

The thing I was most afraid of was overcooking them, because when you have an expensive cut of beef the worst thing you can do is waste it by turning it tough and grey. I cooked it for barely the required 20 minutes and rested it for ten, and the inside was quite pink. Maybe a tiny bit too pink, if I’m honest. The pastry was also not quite as crisp all over as I’d have liked; I put it down to not having been thoroughly defrosted. But in all, for a first attempt, it was quite a success. B certainly cleared his plate in no time flat. He’s a good audience that way.

I served it with lemony green beans (Nigella, Feast ) and amazing roast potatoes, if I do say so myself, which may not have been a strictly necessary carb, but are the one part of real Christmas that we can’t do without.

And then cheesecake, perfectly unadorned.

Later, to fill in any tiny gaps around the edges that might have developed, there was Christmas cake . I don’t like Christmas cake myself, but reports from the front line are favourable.

New pyjamas

Did you get new pyjamas for Christmas?

As time goes on, I’m starting to think that traditions I thought were merely American are much more global than that; it just happened that my family didn’t subscribe to them.

New pyjamas for Christmas, for instance, is something I had never heard of before a friend of mine here mentioned that her girls all get them – so they look nice in the photos the next morning. How American! I thought. But a quick straw poll of my Irish friends indicates that some (but not all) families at home have always done the same.

The same goes for photos with Santa. I was taken “to see Santa” once that I remember; let’s say twice in all, during my childhood. There are no photos to prove it, just my very vague memory of standing in a long line at the top of Dun Laoghaire Shopping Centre.

I always got a new pencil case in my stocking, and a bar of chocolate, and a tangerine (which I would put straight back in the fruit bowl the next morning). Santa used to leave my presents, unwrapped, on the end of my bed, and they always included an annual, so I had something to read before bounding downstairs and waking the house. Santa did not bring me socks, or underwear; but I did always get a new outfit before Christmas to have something nice to wear for the day.

And so I’ll give the kids chocolate and an orange in their stockings tonight, but no pencil case since they don’t need them yet. Santa is also bringing them new snow mittens and maybe some socks, as well as lots of fun things, some of which they might actually have asked for.

And maybe I did have new pyjamas and I just don’t remember, and maybe the pencil case on several consecutive years was just a coincidence; and maybe the traditions you think they’ll remember are not what they’ll remember, and the traditions you try to make are not the ones that will stick and maybe if what you eat for Christmas is different every year, that will become a tradition of its own; and maybe none of it really matters so long as tomorrow has some moments of pure delight.

And I’m pretty sure that it will.

Happy Christmas to you and yours.

Dash and Mabel with their stockings hung
Someone was a little hyper before bedtime.

Dichotomy

There are two kinds of tree lights: multicoloured or white.
There are two kinds of apples: eaters and cookers.
There are two kinds of sins: a mortaler and sure it’s only a venial sin.
There are two kinds of things to eat: a meal and a collation.
There are two kinds of embarrassed: morto and scarleh.
There are two kinds of pudding: black and white.
There are two kinds of children: a dote and a holy terror.
There are two kinds of cake: birthday and Christmas.
There are two shops on Grafton Street: Switzers and Brown Thomas. (Dating myself here.)
There are two kinds of tea: Barry’s or Lyon’s.
There are two sorts of Guinness: a pint or a glass.
There are two kinds of weather in Ireland: drizzle or lashing.

There are two kinds of Christmas: the ones when you go home, and the ones when you don’t.

And let the record show that I did not go back the next morning and buy the cheetah

I took Mabel with me on Thursday after school to pick out a present for her to give to Dash. (Dash has a “school present shop” where he bought presents for us, so it seemed only fair.) Beforehand, I double-checked with her that she knew we were shopping only for her brother, and that she wouldn’t get anything for herself. She agreed, but I was still a little doubtful that she could pull it off.

We nearly turned around and left as soon as we got through the front doors, because she desperately wanted a cheetah from the dollar section. But then she said “Just let me play with them for a while” and I stood around for three minutes while she took all the animals out of their corral and arranged them into couples, families, and families with adopted children. When I said it was time to put them back, she helped put them back and we moved on.

And so to the main toy section, where we soon found – guess what? – a new lightsaber for Dash. Because the fact that he has two blue ones and a red double-blade apparently didn’t stop him from putting another on his list, and since I couldn’t find a green Qui-Gon Jinn lightsaber anywhere, I hadn’t actually got one and was feeling bad about it. So when Mabel decided he should have a red Darth Vader one, I didn’t demur. (Also since these are the cheap ones that don’t light up and come in at under ten bucks.)

Item acquired and gallon of milk in our cart, I tried to whisk her back to the checkouts without passing the rest of the toys, but she insisted on looking at the other aisles. “Not to get anything, you know that don’t you?” I repeated. “I know,” she said.

And here’s the amazing part: she looked at the baby dolls and the princess dolls and the ponies and the Lalaloopsies and the Barbies and the play kitchens and she admired them all and we said how lovely they were … and then we left. We bought what we had come for and not a thing more.

Well, there was a vanilla milk in Starbucks after all that, but it hardly counts.

C minus five

This is, after all, only our third ever Christmas in America; our second in this house. The first was the year Mabel was born, the second was two years ago . So I suppose I should give myself a break if I haven’t really managed to effect the traditions I wanted to put in place, or do the things we’re meant to do.

I was highly motivated about Christmas two weeks ago, but now I’m just sort of accepting about it all. Picture me lying back and letting it all wash over me.

We don’t have much planned, we haven’t made it to a performance of the Nutcracker or even a local carol service, I haven’t yet decided what we’re eating for dinner next Wednesday. It doesn’t hugely matter; I’ll buy some meat next Monday and figure out a good way to cook it.

The big parcel arrived in Dublin two days ago (with a week in hand, even though we posted it a day late), and the Christmas cake has been made since November. I want to make cinnamon buns for breakfast and get some prosecco to have mimosas (or bellinis) with present-opening.

I know there are many people out there who would kill for a holiday season as free from commitments and family drama as ours. And just to make sure we do tidy up at some point, we decided to throw a bit of a party on the 28th, so that there will be some amount of frenzied baking and buying extra alcohol.

And this came home for me from school. I was allowed to open it early.

How’s it looking in your house?

Siblings Without Rivalry

And here’s that post about the book.

I’m finally reading , after two people mentioned it to me in the space of a few days and I decided it was A Sign. I know I should have read it years ago, possibly as soon as we had Mabel, but there you go, I didn’t.

It was written by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, who wrote the laboriously titled but very helpful  How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk . You may remember me raving about one of its techniques last year when Dash was stuck in the terrible six-and-a-halfs. Siblings Without Rivalry takes much of the same material, but applies it specifically to situations that come up between siblings. It’s really quite eye-opening.

On Saturday morning I was reading it at the breakfast table as Dash and Mabel fought their way around the house, disagreeing over what or how to play, bugging each other, pinching and hitting and screaming and then laughing again. I called them over and asked Dash to read the title of my book. He spelled it out. They remembered what “siblings” meant, but I had to explain “rivalry.”

“I’m reading this so that I can figure out how to stop you two fighting,” I said. They were impressed that I had to read a book to discover such a thing. Dash grabbed the book and sat down at the other end of the table, opening it at the first page and starting to read.

“I’m going to find out what it tells you, so we can not do it,” he said, with an evil grin.

I was delighted to see him reading, so I did the washing up and left him to it.

****************

Anyway, I thought I’d share my notes, since I have to bring the book back to the library soon. I recommend reading the whole thing to understand where the authors are coming from and see lots of examples of these techniques in action. The book also shows them in cartoon form, which makes it quick to read and easy to remember.

  • Siblings are essentially always in competition for their parents’ love/time/attention. As soon as you take sides in a dispute or punish one for hurting the other, you are building resentment and rivalry, and therefore making things worse.
  • When they complain about their sibs, you should verbalize how they’re feeling for them: “You sound furious.” “It makes you mad when he does that.” Acknowledge how they feel about each other.
  • Encourage them to express their feelings with words: “Tell him how you feel.” “Let him know how mad you are with words.”
  • Tell the other one why you’re listening to the one right now: e.g.,
    - Mabel, interrupting: I have to tell you this thing.
    - Me: I know you do, but right now I’m listening to Dash tell me about school. I know it’s important to him so I want to hear it. Then I can listen to what you need to tell me.
  • Treat them uniquely, not equally. They get the things they need when they need them; they don’t both get things at the same time just because. (I’m not sure that “because Mom went to Target and I was with her and I whined” counts as needing something, exactly.)
  • Don’t cast them into roles, and don’t let them do it to each other. Tell them how you want them to be:
    “I know that Dash is generous, so I’m sure he’ll give you a turn when he’s done with it.”
    Or, better, “I know you’re both smart, so you can work out a solution to this.”
    Then leave the room so that they don’t act up for your benefit.
  • Never compare, even favourably. It reinforces perceived roles and encourages resentment between sibs. When one comes tattling about the other, say “I don’t want to hear about him right now. Tell me about you.”
  • Encourage teamwork rather than pitting them against one another. So “Let’s see if you can work together to tidy up before the timer goes off” rather than “Who can pick up all the toys first?” I am so guilty of saying this. You know why? Because it works! (But it’s bad. Bad Mommy.)
  • When they’re fighting and it’s escalating, state the problem and tell them you expect them to work it out. No tolerance for hurting. If one is in danger, separate them.
  • If they can’t work it out, sit down and make a list with both of them, the way we did for one with How to Talk so Kids Will Listen .
I think I need to print this list out and tape it to my fridge.

Sibling revelry

Mabel had a tantrum over the little teddy bear beside the checkout in the supermarket that I wouldn’t buy for her. I was being wonderfully patient and gentle with all my “No’s” until finally I just had to wrestle her to the floor and pry it out of her hands. Perfect.

I’m reading Siblings Without Rivalry just now. I was trying to write up my notes to make a useful post for you lovely people (and for me to come back to, seeing as how it belongs to the library) but the children are thwarting me at every turn.

I tried to keep the TV turned off today when Dash came home from school, because TV time has been expanding exponentially lately and we need a moratorium. Pretty soon, he was complaining of boredom. I decided to use some of the techniques from the book:

“I know that you are a resourceful and smart person, Dash. You can think of something new to do.”
“How do you know I’m resourceful? Give me an example of a time when I was resourceful,” he countered.
What is this, a job interview? I don’t know. Probably some time when you got up to mischief and didn’t want me to know about it. Sheesh. I didn’t say any of that, but it was admittedly tricky enough to think of something. Evidently all the TV has been quashing his opportunities for resourcefulness.

I ignored him and Mabel some more.

Then there was some interval when they were both standing on the kitchen table, which hardly seemed safe, and the next time I looked into the room Mabel was throwing off all her clothes while Dash held her upside down by the legs.

I turned the TV on. Some days it’s the only thing that stands between us all and bodily harm.

Soft pretzels

I mentioned that we made pretzels, didn’t I?

“Tell us about the pretzels,” I hear you cry.

Oh, okay then.

I pinned this recipe ages ago, thinking it sounded like a fun thing to do with the kids, and on our snow day last Tuesday I was apparently desperate/ambitious/energetic enough to unearth it and put it to the test. It worked admirably.

I don’t want to reproduce it here because it’s not mine and I didn’t change it. And they do a great job of the instructions over there. But you can see my photos and get my additional thrilling thoughts on the process.

I made the dough in my lovely Kitchen Aid, though you could do it by hand if you felt up to a decent bout of kneading. It’s very theraputic, you know. I recently discovered that my oven has a “Proving” setting, which is brilliant for baking with yeast in the winter. The dough did such a great job doubling that it runnethed over.

Then I set the kids up with a clean table surface and some flour, and gave them a blob each. The great thing was that you don’t have to do any particular shape, so this would work really well with smaller children too. Mabel made lots of little balls, and though I was sceptical, they came out fine and she loved them. I made some long sticks and a couple of bread rolls as well as some small pretzel twists.

I found a handy to show you how to shape the pretzel twists, with a pleasingly Canadian narration to boot. But just forming a simple circle was very easy and still impressed the kids, so you don’t have to be so fancy if you’re not inclined.

The boiling step seemed a little daunting because I’ve never done that before, but it was perfectly simple. Make sure you have enough baking soda to hand, because it does take quite a lot. You don’t have to time the 30 seconds particularly carefully, and I just kept it on the hob between batches, waiting for the kids’ ones to be ready to go. They came out a little slimy, but they stayed in their shapes well.

After brushing with egg wash and baking – golden and delicious. Do put salt on top (or cinnamon sugar, if you’re that way inclined). I left some plain and they were a little bitter (because of the baking soda); though the children didn’t seem to care.

I found myself dipping them in wholegrain mustard. I don’t even know who I am any more.

They were delicious warm, straight from the oven, but a few seconds in the microwave brought them back even the next day (for the few that were left over). I also slit one in half and toasted it with ham inside, like a very thin bagel. It worked admirably.